Never Ever
by ketamine.methanol
Summary: Get me the number to a clinic!" the Jewish boy shrieked, standing up now with his hands in the air. CRYLE, Mpreg, T for themes and language.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I noticed that in almost every mpreg fanfiction (for South Park at least) it resulted with everyone shitting rainbows of joy for some major character couple.**

**So here's some hate mixed with a bit of realistic reaction.**

**Because I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty sure I would vomit from disbelief if I found out I was pregnant.**

**Anyway. Enjoy~**

---

"Mister Broflovski, this is your third visit in the last two days."

"I know."

"You realize that and yet you still come?"

"Look, Doctor Louis-"

"Kyle, I told you this yesterday, and I told you again this morning. And I'm going to tell you now. I don't know how it's possible either, but it's true."

Kyle stared at the gentleman in front of him for a longer, more extensive period of time. He tapped his foot on the floor more fluidly and quickly as the seconds passed before he was pretty sure he was denting the floor. Regardless, he sat with his family doctor in an awkward silence, scratching at the tip of his nose before staring back at the man in the coat.

"You're serious."

"I'm dead serious. Do you want me to show you the pictures again from this morning?"

"No. I might vomit. Again. You can not - no. This just... no. No, no, no!" The redhead rose his hands above his head, praising some unseen entity beyond the ceiling with his spread palms before he thudded back against the wall, unfeeling to any pain in the back of his head as he continued to sit on the office bed and stare up at the ceiling. He let go of a slow breath before staring at a wall. After a long moment of silence, he sat up again and stared at Dr Louis with a deadened expression.

"Get it out."

"Excuse me?"

"I said, get it out. Abort it! You're a god damned doctor!"

The dark-haired gentleman adjusted his glasses before a slow laugh escaped him. "Kyle you have no liable passage to remove a child from, you're a boy."

"So you're SEEING the ridiculousness of this situation! I want the god damned thing out of me! Get me the number to a clinic!" the Jewish boy shrieked, standing up now with his hands in the air. "I'm not - there is NO possible - I'm not a girl! I'm NOT a girl! I have a dick and my BOYFRIEND sucks it every night, dude! I'm a GAY MAN. There's is NO BIOLOGICAL WAY that this is happening. So if this is as fucking real as you say, you will get me my abortion, and good lord, I will go through with it!"

The doctor flipped his board casually and sighed, recovering the photographed ultrasounds from the previous day and setting them up on the light board on the wall. Flicking it on impatiently, he pointed to the growth at Kyle's core with risen eyebrows with his pen.

"Kyle, this is where your... your child is situated. As you can see, it is a sac in the centre of your system embedded within your other organs and the like. There is no vagina. No ovaries, no nothing. Not even a passage leading from your anus to the sac. How it got there is entirely out of my mind, but it's there, and being that it is generally necessary for you to have a vagina for a termination of a pregnancy, it would be impossible. I would not even attempt to suggest a medical, prescribed abortion to you because there has never been an incident like this before. For all we know the dosage could simply kill you."

Kyle stared at the man in front of him, before staring down at his stomach. He looked back up at the picture again, sullen-faced, and then towards Doctor Louis for the hundredth time.

"Do another ultrasound. I don't fucking believe you. This is sabotage, or something. Do an ultrasound again."

The doctor stared at the fiery Jewish teenager in front of him before shaking his head and scribing Kyle down for another scheduled appointment with his eyebrows jotted into the air.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Lol. Chapter two. Double surprise! I'm having too much fun with this fanfic, I can't lie.**

**Enjoy~**

---

"No... no this is kind of important."

They looked at eachother across the dinner table of their flat and Kyle rapped his fingers on the table.

"Okay. What's the one most horrifying thing in the world I could ever tell you?"

"You have AIDs."

Kyle nodded slowly. "But like, more unexpected. Like something theoretically that could never happen."

"You... are part dog?"

Kyle sunk his face into his palms and sighed. He contemplated his choices in a moment of silence before shrugging some pictures out of an envelope, staring at them before sliding them onto the table slowly.

"I... well. Oh come on, you're a fucking med student, you know what these are."

"Ultrasounds of a pregnancy."

"Yeah."

"... You got a girl pregnant?"

Kyle slammed his palm on the table before raising his arms in the air again furiously. "NO, CRAIG. DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A LEGITIMATE PHOTO TO YOU?"

Craig Tucker leaned down over the pictures and reviewed them carefully. "It looks like someone photoshopped a pregnant uterus into a guy's body."

"They're not photoshopped. They're real."

Craig stared up at him a moment. Kyle could already see the denial on his face.

"You got a guy pregnant."

"No."

"Well obviously not because that is the most impossible thing I've ever heard. That is so impossible, that it would be more possible for me to turn into a dragon right now, and barbeque you alive. Which I'm considering doing, if you just don't fucking flat out say what the hell you're going through all this shit with me for."

"I went to the doctor. Like a hundred times. And apparently I'm pregnant."

Craig stared at him for a long time before eventually rolling into a fit of laughter, leaving Kyle glaring furiously as he balled his fists by his sides with his teeth gritting. The black-haired nineteen year old reclined back in his chair with a series of gaspy chuckles before sitting up.

"Okay Kyle. You got me this time. I didn't expect you to be such a-"

"GOD DAMMIT CRAIG, I'M NOT JOKING! I WENT TO THE DOCTOR NINE TIMES WITH THE SAME ATTITUDE AS YOU AND I NOW HAVE HAD MORE ULTRASOUNDS OVER THE COURSE OF A WEEK THAN ANY GUY SHOULD HAVE IN A LIFE TIME AND ITS THE SAME FUCKING THING EVERY TIME!"

Craig stared at his shrieking boyfriend with wide eyes and a slack jaw at his outburst, their dinner table, ash tray and photographs now flipped onto the floor as Kyle stormed across their living room, burying his foot into the wall with one swing.

"I'M SO PISSED! THIS IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE! HOW THE HELL IS THIS... THIS..." he gestured to himself dramatically before putting his first through the wall instead, and Craig lowered his face into his left palm slowly, calculating the expenses for fixing the wall to their apartment in his head.

"Kyle, look. There has to be some mistake. We'll go back together. To a different doctor. Maybe that guy was just an asshole."

Kyle turned, and Craig almost scoffed. "Are you crying?!"

"Yes!" Kyle wailed sitting down on the edge of their couch and lowering his face into his knees. "I am not myself at all! I am sick and I'm going fucking crazy and I don't want this thing inside of me! And according to the doctor it's going to be some high number of grand to get it fucking removed and I can't even get a normal fucking abortion because the fucking thing lives in Kyle Cyberspace, as you could see from the motherfucking ultrasound!" he hissed furiously, before dropping onto the couch. Craig appeared over him a moment later, wise to keep out of kicking distace as he stared down.

"Well we could push you down the stairs like they do in the movies... or I could punch you in the stomach."

Kyle sat up, wiping his cheeks. "... You think that'll work?"

Craig rose both eyebrows, pulling out a cigarette patiently and toeing the ultrasounds on the floor. "I still don't think this is fucking real but we can try. We're going to my doctor tomorrow. This is fucking gay."


End file.
